her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
