it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
