Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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