Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
