And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
