Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
