I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
