we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
