I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
