Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize
