I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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