I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
