i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
