I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
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I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
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I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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