This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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