I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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