please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
