I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
