the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
