how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
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we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
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Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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