i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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