Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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