Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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