From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
