Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm determined to sit on that face.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
