Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize