i just sent this text using only my big toe
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
