do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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