I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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