I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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