Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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