i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
