i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize