sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
