It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
