just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
