I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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