I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
