is your mom at the bar?
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
