is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
