I'm so fucking centered right now
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
