I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
