Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
