i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
