I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
