This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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