am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
