Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
