problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
