True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
