On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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