So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
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