So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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