I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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